Getting a bank account in the UK is an ordeal.

I was warned of this at the WORKgateways website:

“If you think of the bank as doing you a favour by allowing you to keep your money with them, you will be a step ahead in understanding the system, and less bewildered after your UK bank encounters.”

For the privilege of setting up a basic account, you need one or more of: passport, visa, utility bill, proof of at least three months of income and good credit history. This, mind you, is just for a current (everyday transaction) account where you park your money — no overdrafts, no loan.

I don’t understand the rationale. If anything, the bank can steal your money (because you’ve given it to them to hold) and you can’t take any from them. So what’s the risk to the bank?

When you are a newcomer to the country, it is hard to get an account because you don’t yet have a permanent address. Even if you do have a place to stay, you have to set up a phone/gas/electricity service in your name (making sure you get paper statements, not e-statements!), then wait the month or three before your first bill comes in — then you can set up an account.

I was able to skip some of this bureaucracy because as a student, I got my college to write a ‘letter of introduction’. Even then, the bank would only give me a student account. This student account came with a Solo debit card, which is some kind of ‘training’ card that students and people with bad credit histories are given. Solo cards aren’t accepted by many websites and at crucial services, like train stations.

As a student, I also couldn’t get a chequebook. This is a effing nuisance in a country where people still use cheques for amounts as smiddling as £5. When services insisted on being paid by cheque, I had to ask someone to pay for me, then pay them back.

As you might understand by now, one of the things I was most excited about when I started work was that I could finally get a ‘grown up’ debit card. In the first week of work, I went to my bank to request an upgrade. I was told that the standard procedure was that they had to wait until there were three months income in my account before they could upgrade me.

Well! I thought: If they’re going to be like that, I’m taking my business elsewhere!

So I applied for an account with the Co-operative Bank, which is well known for its humanity, fairness and social consciousness.

A week later, a humiliating rejection letter came in the post.

I JUST WANT A BANK ACCOUNT! Twice already I had to ask my workmates to pay for my train tickets.

My final plan was to get a credit card. In Australia, credit companies practically throw themselves at anyone. I wasn’t poor, I wasn’t a student. They should want my money.

REJECTED!

Furious, I went back to my bank armed with my passport, work permit, work contract, first payslip, a perfect UK credit history, and a steely determination not to leave without a real debit card.

I left with a Gold account. Within two weeks, the bank posted me my debit card and chequebook. The bank has also offered me a credit card and high interest savings account.

However, I only knew they were truly repentent when this arrived in the mail last week.

A handwritten Christmas card from my bank branch! This must be an unwritten perk of being a Gold account holder.