Tag: on the web

Population onion

I read this odd spot* some time ago: If the population of China was to walk by you in single file, the line would never end due to the rate of population growth.

I thought, “No. Really? Really?” I’ve looked up China’s birth rate in Wikipedia and with a population of 1,298,847,624 people and a growth rate of 0.57%, and assuming that growth is mainly due to births, then there are 14 new Chinese babies every minute, or one birth every 4.3 seconds.

Now, I reckon that in 4.3 seconds, about three people could walk pass me in single file. That means that if I wait long enough, then I will eventually get to the end of the line.

It would take a while and I suppose I can work out how exactly how long. Bother. It’s late but now I have to do it. Hey, this would make a good short answer problem in Unit 3 of Maths Methods.

Okay, it’ll take 58 years based on the assumptions above (and 365.24 days a year). If someone wants to check this, I’d appreciate it.

Of course, the growth rate 0.57% won’t be constant. China’s population profile is onion-shaped. I’m not sure what that means in terms of rate of population growth. The profile is probably dependent on the Government’s population policy too. Perhaps the current state of affairs isn’t all that significant in the grand scheme of the 58.4 years that I’m sitting there watching them all walk by.

*Girls will probably know this trivia already and also the ones that go ‘Until 1990, sausages were still legal tender in East Germany’ and ‘No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times’.


China’s population onion (Source: NationMaster.com)

Fastr food

Firstly, an interesting game has shown up on my smallish internet radar. Fastr is a game where you are shown a group of photos from the Flickr community. All these photos have the same tag. You have to guess what the tag is.

I like the concept because:

  1. It’s a detective game. All the clues are there, pointing to one answer.
  2. It illustrates how variable people’s interpretations of a word are, and all interpretations are legitimate.
  3. You compete with other people to guess the tag as quickly as possible. I believe there is a cumulative ladder, although you will fall off it as soon as you close the webpage. So it’s a slightly interactive game too.

Yesterday, I thought about food a lot. In particular, I thought about artichokes. I was craving marinated artichoke hearts. Also, lightly pan-fried scallops with a sprinkling of sea salt.

Small smile

Well, if you’re going to be sexist, you might as well do it well.

Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User.
_________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

One day, I’ll be able to sell my soul

In our line of work, the most senior of the technical consultants are engaged by clients as expert witnesses in court cases and tribunals. We charge double time for this because it’s an extremely stressful job. Dr Peter, one of my mentors, is a world-acknowledged expert in his particular field of environmental work, yet on the witness stand, lawyers have attacked his credibility. Peter told me about one case where his client had a technically unassailable case, which the prosecution could not match. The prosecuting lawyer chose not to question the technical merits of the analysis and instead, proceeded to attack Peter’s professional and personal character. The aim was to cast doubt on Peter’s competency and integrity.

In the end, our client lost that case.

“Do you think this was fair? Did the judge choose the correct outcome?” I asked Peter.

He considered my question. “No,” he said after a while. “I don’t think it was the right decision.”

At work, there are sometimes flyers in the tea room advertising training workshops on how to be an expert witness. It really is something you have to train for. You have to learn to manoeuvre yourself out of the traps that are set for you. You have to know which laws and regulations to memorise. You have to learn to play a game you have no experience in.

Yesterday, I came across Intota, a website where you can hire expert witnesses in particular fields. For example, check out this expert in ‘Industrial Ventilation System Engineering for Dust and Vapor Control’. It seems like a useful service and maybe one day, I’ll be good enough to be an expert witness. The risk with this kind of thing is that maybe you can hire experts to say anything you want.