Tag: joan the klutz

Lost ID

I had a great weekend with Damjan, the last one for six few weeks because he’s going back to the southern hemisphere for a while. The only grey cloud on the weekend was discovering that I had lost my driver’s licence.

I had taken my licence out of my wallet at Paddington station so that I could pick up my pre-paid train tickets. I must have lost the licence somewhere in the station or on the train. I am extremely absent minded. I’ve been getting better but I’ve lapsed a few times in the past couple of months.

Mostly, I was worried about having my identity stolen. As the weekend went on, I started to regret not signing up for the identity insurance that my credit card company tried to badger me into buying.

Today, I made phone calls to the train company, the Paddington ticket counter, customer service, Heathrow (because I had loitered at the Paddington Heathrow Express counter), and the pie shop where I bought my dinner on Friday night.

Finally, I was given the phone number for Paddington’s left luggage service. Not only do they store luggage for a fee, but they also collect lost property and release it back to their grateful owners for a ransom.

My desperately crossed fingers must have done the trick because the person on the other end of the phone line said, ‘Yes, we’ve got it.’

Hooray!

After work, I took the Tube to Paddington and scurried to the left luggage office next to platform 12.

‘Hello! I called today and the person on the phone said that you have my Australian driver’s licence.’

The boy went to the back of the room and came back with a small rectangle. My heart leapt as I recognised the month and year of my birth date at the back of the card.

‘Is this it?’ he asked.

‘Yes! Thank you!’

‘Do you have any ID, a driver’s licence or something…’ He caught himself. ‘…besides this one?’

‘No.’ As I’ve written before, ID is not something I have in the UK.

‘If it helps,’ I added, ‘that licence has my photo on it.’ I smiled a big smile, the same smile that’s on my licence.

He swayed, uncertain for a moment, then shrugged. ‘Okay. Here you go.’

(As a bonus, he didn’t charge the £3 normally due for reclaiming small lost items.)

Ember

I lit a match to light up our gas stove and, lightning fast, something was spat out from the match onto on my bare arm.

‘Ooooow!’ I thought, as I frantically shook off the glowing spots. The spots floated to the kitchen floor where they burned for half a second longer, then died.

I waited for the stinging to stop and when it didn’t, I splashed cold water on my arm. There is now a tiny shallow burn bubble on my left upper arm.

In Germany

I’m in Berlin now. Mo and Ulli are hosting us. I met Mo in a delightfully random way at Cambridge and am reaping the rewards of my willingness to talk to strangers on a whim.

I will be travelling around Germany by train for the next two weeks. I will post photos and stories eventually. I already have one — Damjan and I got on an overnight train in Brussels and nearly had to leave because I had bought tickets for the wrong date! I was horrified. It could have been a disaster. I’ll let you know how it turned out in a future blog entry.

Somehow you get there

Chris, my workmate, is cycling from London to Paris for charity.

He told us, ‘The ride take three days and covers 234 miles — and I’ll be trying to do it on my single speed. No gears!’

‘Wow, Chris,’ we marvel.

‘I might have taken on more that I can handle,’ he admitted. ‘Especially on the last day, when I have to do 85 miles.’

I nodded. ‘I remember one time that I bit off more than I could chew. I had just learned to ski and found a nice flat blue run. I soon found out it was steep, too steep for baby Joan skiier. But it was too late. I was now on the slope. I spent the whole time falling and crying, falling and crying, falling and crying, all the way to the bottom.’

I made a sad face.

‘So don’t worry, Chris. Once you start, you’ll get to Paris, one way or another.’

‘Thanks, Joan.’

Mini reward

I felt lightheaded. The tiredness would hit me later but for now, I was very happy because I had handed in the report. To reward myself, I gave into my guilty food pleasure: KFC. I rarely eat it (mindful of the implications for the environment, animal cruelty, my health and social justice) but when it comes down to it, I love the taste of KFC chicken skin.

It was peak dinner time when I walked into the restaurant, which was oddly deserted. There were three cashiers to handle the non-existent dinner rush. They watched me come down to the front.

Under the pressure of their gazes, I walked up to the counter before I was ready. I had anticipated having time as I queued to put on my glasses and read the menu. Yes, it’s true. Some people do read fast food menus (and instruction manuals for new phones and cameras).

‘Hi, what would you like to order?’ said the blonde.

I had a vague idea of what I wanted.

‘I’d like a ‘mini something’,’ I said. Squinting at the menu above her, I tried to find the full name of what I was thinking of.

‘Mini…?’ the cashier prompted.

‘A mini fillet burger?’ guessed her brunette colleague from cashier on her right.

I shook my head. ‘No…’

‘Popcorn chicken?’ guessed the other cashier further along.

‘No, no,’ I waved my arms about. ‘It comes in a box.’

‘A box like that one?’ the brunette asked, pointing to the picture of a burger meal in a box.

‘Yes, a box. But smaller than that one.’

My blonde cashier brightened. ‘A mini variety pack!’

‘Yes!’ I nodded enthusiastically.

‘Two hot wings, an piece of original and small chips?’ she confirmed.

‘That’s the one!’

‘That’ll be £2.19, please.’

Homework

Somehow, I had to finish a big report before the end of the week. Everyone in the office was tense. It was going to be a difficult sprint to Friday.

The only way I could make it to the deadline, I decided, was to find an extra working day before Friday. This is why, before going to sleep, I set my phone alarm for 3:30 AM. I could get an extra three hours of work in.

The phone woke me up. I pulled myself out of my warm bed and stumbled downstairs to the kitchen in darkness. Desperate times call for desperate measures so I made two cups of coffee. I carried the coffee upstairs, trying to make as little sounds as I could. My housemates were asleep, like all the other sane people in London.

Setting the coffees down on the chest of drawers, I booted up the laptop and opened my report files. I finally rubbed the sleep from my eyes and saw in the corner of my laptop screen — 1:12 AM.

What?!

I picked up my phone.

‘1 new message’, it flashed.

I had been sent a message at 1 AM.

I sighed and shut the laptop lid. Ignoring the two cups of hot coffee, I crawled back under the covers. I’ll have cold coffee to drink in two hours.

Follow that bus!

Last week, while going for a walk, I pondered the question, ‘Of all my things, which one would I be most upset at losing?’

Immediately I thought: ‘My gloves.’ I had lost one of them for a morning last year and I was miserable until a stranger found it on the footpath outside the Cambridge Judge Business School and handed it in to reception. This is the email I sent to my classmates.

Dear all,

I have lost a black leather glove for my right hand. If you find it,
could you please let me know? I am very sad it’s gone. It fit my hand
like a glove.

Joan

When I wear my gloves, I feel indestructible. I like putting my hands into the fleece inside. I like going on buses and grabbing the rails without thinking about germs. I like that the gloves are tough and waterproof, but also flexible and soft.

This evening, I was dozing on the bus going home when I woke with a start and saw that I had missed my bus stop. I bounded downstairs to the lower level and got off at the next stop. As door shut behind me, I knew something was wrong. My hands were cold.

‘My gloves!’

Frozen, eyes wide, I tried to memorise the number plate of the bus as it disappeared down the street. I got four out of the seven numbers.

I scrabbled through my bag, hoping that I had slipped the gloves in absent-mindedly, but they were not there.

‘Oh no…’

Confused, I took a few steps towards home. I needed to call the bus company. I tottered back to the bus stop. The phone number must be on the bus stop sign.

As I started keying in the number into my mobile phone, another bus pulled up. It was the same route number as the one I had just gotten off.

I jumped in and gabbled, ‘I left my gloves on the last bus!’

‘Eh?’

‘My gloves are on the bus that just went by!’

‘What number was the bus?’

‘The same as this one! It was the same!’

The bus driver understood. ‘Sit down,’ he said. ‘I will take you to the depot. We will catch up with the bus there and then I can take you back.’

‘Thank you!’

I sat down in the nearest seat, reserved for disabled people. Two women sitting nearby looked worriedly at me.

‘Don’t worry, love,’ one said. ‘We’ll get them at the depot.’

‘Thank you,’ I murmured.

The bus pulled away from the stop and drove along for two minutes. The bus driver was driving fast.

‘There it is!’ the friendly woman said, pointing to a bus stopped in front of us at the traffic light.

Within a minute, both buses were at the next stop. I went up to the bus driver, who told me, ‘There are two of them now!’

Indeed, there were now three buses, including ours, with the same route number.

‘Which one is yours?’ the bus driver asked.

‘I don’t know!’ I said. I remembered, ‘It was a lady bus driver!’

‘That’s the one further ahead, then,’ he said. ‘We can’t catch it here. We will go to the depot. Don’t worry, I’ll take you.’

‘Thank you,’ I said, grateful that he made my decision, and sat back down.

The lady sitting nearby said, ‘Better to go to the depot, I think. Then you can check both buses. Otherwise, you’ll never know, right?’

‘That’s right,’ I nodded. I couldn’t think of anything to say.

We drove some more and I watched the bus with my gloves come in and out of my vision. I worried about someone spotting them and picking them up.

‘Look, it stopped,’ said the woman. ‘Go and get it now!’

I jumped up and my bus driver opened the door to let me out. The bus in front started taking off but then stopped when the lady driver saw me running at full speed. The door whooshed open.

‘I left my gloves upstairs!’ I cried to the driver. ‘Can I get them?’

‘Yes…’

I pounded upstairs and found my empty seat. But there were no gloves. I looked under the seat. No gloves. Then I looked at the startled man sitting on the seat behind.

‘Have you seen some gloves?’ I asked. He shook his head.

I had one last desperate look around but they were gone. Conscious that I was holding up a bus-full of commuters, I scurried back down.

‘I’m sorry, they weren’t there,’ I told the lady driver.

‘Oh, that’s too bad! When did you get off?’

‘It was just after the main bus station, a few minutes ago.’

The driver sighed. ‘Isn’t that terrible? People taking a pair of gloves! They take everything!’

‘Yeah… Thanks so much.’ I stepped out and let the bus go.

Forlorn, I began trudging home. It wasn’t worth catching a bus back. I kind of wanted to walk for fifteen minutes by myself. I stuck my hands deep into my jacket, looking for warmth in the pockets.

I thought about my gloves, the way they fit my little fingers. I thought about two Sundays ago when I went shopping with Bettina. She had been looking for leather gloves. We couldn’t find anything good. I remember feeling happy that I had such nice gloves already.

I thought about calling my mum, who had given me the gloves. I had already lost the first pair she had given me, a red suede pair. They had been nice too.

I thought about calling Damjan, so that I could cry to him.

Every now and then, I whimpered aloud.

I checked my bag a few more times.

‘Maybe I should have gone to the depot,’ I thought. ‘Maybe it had been in the other bus that we overtook.’

Three-quarters of the way home, a bus with the same route number went past me. I looked at the licence plate and it seemed the same as the one which I had tried to memorise. I realised that I had forgotten it except that it started with ‘L’.

Almost home, I remembered that before I had nodded off in the bus, I had a tissue in my hand. I had used it to wipe my eye liner off. Where was it? Had I dropped it with my gloves?

I knew where I would normally put the tissue — in a little pocket of my bag. I stuck my hand there and felt… leather.

Disbelieving, I pulled out my gloves, which had been squished into a tiny ball. They uncrumpled into their black leather full fleeced glory.

‘Oh! Oh! Oh!’ I cried. ‘Thank God!’

I shoved my hands into them and flexed my fingers. I balled my hands into a fist and held them to my mouth. Mmm, leather smell.

‘Thank you, thank you, thank you!’ I couldn’t believe they were real.

My gloves are here on my desk. I am very happy now.

Joan and the flies

After the party last week, we accumulated twice as much rubbish and recycling as normal. Tomorrow is bin day so Alex, Di and I pitched in to move all the bins and boxes to the front of the house for tomorrow’s early morning pick-up. It was a bit of an operation and we congratulated ourselves once it was done.

Ten minutes later, I heard Di cry, ‘There are bugs in my room!’

Alex and I popped our heads into Di’s room.

‘Bugs?’ I said. ‘You mean ants? Spiders?’

‘Look!’ she said, pointing to her window. Zipping around in front of her sheer white curtains were dozens of tiny black flies.

‘They came from the bin,’ Alex identified. ‘I saw them come out when we opened the lid… What are you doing?’

Di was leaning over her desk to open her window. ‘I don’t know how they got in, since the window was shut. I’m opening the window. Maybe the flies will go outside.’

‘Maybe more will come in,’ I said, worried.

‘No, they came from the black bin and that’s on the footpath now,’ said Alex.

We watched a short while. The flies made no visible move towards the open window.

‘I’ll leave it open for a while,’ Di decided.

I had an idea. ‘I know! Why don’t we put a cake or something on the window sill outside so that they will be attracted to it and leave?’

Di and Alex stared at me. I thought about what I had said.

‘Oh…’ I realised. ‘I guess a cake might attract more flies inside.’

As they shook their heads sadly at me, I protested, ‘I am smart! Really I am!’

Pathetic weakness is the mother of invention

As many will know, I’m not the sharpest tool in the kitchen. My mum winces whenever she watches me fumbling my way around the stove. I thought that I was getting better at cooking here in Cambridge but today, I returned to my clumsy self.

I had 350 g of mince left so I decided cook fettuccine bolognese. I’ve watched my mum do it before. It looked pretty easy, even for a kitchen klutz. To minimise the risk of disaster, I prepared and lined up all the ingredients on the bench before turning on the stove.

While the pasta simmered in one pot, I fried chopped onions and mince in a pan. “Almost done!” I thought. “Just add sauce.”

I bought the jar of tomato and basil sauce just an hour ago. Placing my hand over the lid, I twisted. Ungh. Nothing happened. I took a deep breath, angled my hands further around the lid for greater leverage and twisted again. UNGH.

“Okay, Joan, don’t panic. You probably just need a greater coefficient of friction.”

I grabbed the red-and-white checked tea towel. Wrapping the it around the lid, I twisted again. The lid didn’t budge.

“Um, um…” I could feel the old anxiety building up again. “It’s a metal lid. I can run it under hot water and it’ll expand more than the glass jar. It’ll be easier to loosen, then.”

I sat the jar under the hot water tap then tried opening it again.

“Noooooo! Why am I so weak?” I had the brains but not the brawn. In the mean time, I could almost hear the the pasta wilting, the onions burning and the mince rubberising over the heat.

“Stupid thing!” I thought grumpily. “What are you made out of?” I scanned over the ingredients.

“Hey, I have all of this stuff.” I blinked a couple of times as an idea grew inside me.

I tried the jar a final time before giving up on it for real. Then, darting between my cupboard, the fridge and the communal spice collection, I pulled out a can of chopped tomatoes, my tube of tomato concentrate, the leftover half onion I had wrapped up before, dried basil, garlic powder, salt and sugar.

I threw it all into the pan and it began bubbling with satisfying vigour. Taste, add salt, sugar, more basil, more garlic, taste…

For the final touch, I chopped fresh chilli and poured it in. I tasted it. Wow! What a kick!

The meal was very tasty. And now, I don’t need to buy tomato-based pasta sauces ever again!

Damsel in distress

Late this afternoon, I went to the grocery store to buy meat for tonight’s meal. I was halfway through my shopping when an announcement came over the loudspeaker.

“It is 5 o’clock. This store is now closed. Please make your way to the checkout.”

Darn! I forgot about the stupid Sunday trading laws.

So I joined the sea of people lining up at the checkout. Suddenly, I spotted Jon, who I know from our scholarship group.

“Jon!” I cried.

“Joan! Wow. You wouldn’t believe who else I saw, too…”

I looked past him. “It’s Krish!”

“And there’s Anne!” Jon pointed to the other side of the checkouts. Krish and Anne are Scholars too.

“Hey, guys,” Krish said, lining up behind Jon. “Man, I haven’t seen you in a month.”

“I am so glad this week is over,” I agreed. I put my groceries on the converyor belt and did a quick calculation in my head. I didn’t have much but the lamb was going to be expensive. I pulled out my wallet to get my bank card.

No bank card.

I must have left it on my desk when I used it this morning to buy a bus ticket.

There was only a £10 note in the wallet. There was also a long line of last-minute shoppers waiting to go through. What to do?

I turned around and put on my damsel-in-distress face. “Jon, can I borrow some money?”

“Joan, you’re cleaning me out,” he laughed. “How much?”

“Ten pounds?”

“There you go.”