I’ve just come home from coffee with Gurpreet. We spent two hours talking about some of our attitudes to life. I am amazed at how different they are — it’s boggling.
Gurpreet separates her life into compartments — “Family doesn’t interfere with Work. Work doesn’t interfere with Family. Friends don’t interact with Temple. Marriage is all by itself.”
“Joan, I would never date anyone who my friends knew. It’s too risky. I’d be scared that if we broke up, it’d affect my friendships.”
“Really? I’m completely opposite. Some of my best friends I have met through my boyfriend.”
Gurpreet’s parents are in India at the moment, looking for a husband for her. She is quite amenable to the idea. “I’m actually looking forward to getting married. To finally settle down and not having to worry about marriage. Men. I’m so over them, Joan. I just want to get that part of my life sorted so I can concentrate on my work.” Gurpreet will be doing her PhD in biomedical science next year.
“Gurpreet, I couldn’t do it. I’d be terrified of being married to someone I didn’t care for, didn’t respect.”
She shrugs. “I do get a say. I trust my parents to choose someone I like. And I get along with most people. You know, arranged marriages are often more successful than love marriages. I don’t believe in love marriages. I look around and see all these divorces. It just doesn’t work.”
Gurpreet and I nutted out a theory that partly explains our differing philosophies. To her, marriage is a slice in the pie of life. It’s a component, separate from all the other components. It either works or it doesn’t — and whether or not it works has no bearing on the rest of her life. As long as she has her research, her friends, then she will be happy. In fact, she sets higher standards for her friends than her life partner.
To me, I think my future life partner would not be simply a slice in the pie. The relationship would the base of the pie. Almost everything will built on top of it. I would share my friends with my partner, find new friends through him. I might bring my work home and talk about it. My partner would join my family. Because the relationship would be so comprehensively weaved into my life, if it failed, it would be impossible to maintain life’s equilibrium.
Of course, we’ve simplified things to emphasise the differences in our attitudes. Intellectually, I understand that Gurpreet can be happy with the life course she has mapped out but emotionally, it is very difficult for me to believe anyone could be happy this way. I could never give up control over such a fundamental aspect of my future, such as the choice of who I spend my life with.