A few weeks ago, someone lamented, “Well, who knows. What is love?”
I have some thoughts about this, most of which have grown from a Catalyst episode I saw called ‘Love Trap‘. WARNING: My ideas may have since departed from science into the realm of Joan-logic.
There are three kinds of love: physical attraction, romantic love and commitment/attachment. When you meet someone, you usually experience these kinds of love in that order (but not always).
Catalyst tells us that the chemicals that make you feel physically attracted and romantic to someone last, at most, 18 months. If you’re lucky, then you move on into the third phase of commitment and you find yourself in a loving, trusting relationship. If, after 18 months, you discover that there was nothing keeping you with your partner except that chemical-induced obsession, then it’s time to move on.
This is why it’s probably a good idea not to marry someone or have kids with him or her until at least a year and a half after you start going out.
Anyway, the punchline of the whole thing is that you can experience all three kinds of love at the same time — with different people!
Imagine Josh is happily married but then meets Kelly, who he finds very attractive. He sees her day in and day out at work and thinks about her all the time. Soon he starts thinking, “I think I’m falling in love with Kelly. Maybe she’s my soulmate, instead of Jenny.”
Let’s consider Laura, who has a string of relationships that last between 6 and 18 months. She knows what she wants: she wants passion, she wants to be with someone fascinating. “Life is short!” is her mantra. If the relationship isn’t exciting anymore, then she’s not going to waste her time on second best.
Josh, Laura, you’re both right: you’re both experiencing a legitimate kind of ‘love’. What you need to realise, though, is that if you break up with your current partner to pursue the sexy or romantic option, in 18 months, you’ll end up exactly where you were before — if you’re lucky.
Does that mean you should never break up with someone if you’re attracted to someone else?
You need to do some serious thinking. You need to forecast, “In 18 months when the whirlwind of romance dies, will my relationship with this new person be better than what I have now?” How happy will you be in the commitment phase with each of them?
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Your thoughts on this matter are interesting, and I feel they are probably correct. Thanks for sharing them.